V-Day Special

So a friend of mine asked if he could do a guest posting on my blog - he'll explain below. Evan "Diddy" Dyer is a former roommate, a current co-worker, a Tarheel fan, and a better than average friend. And he is right, this does count as my post this week. oh, and i can't remember the last time I was referred to as "Brandon" this many times....my frickin mom doesn't even call me Brandon. But Diddy felt compelled to keep this somewhat formal, so for those of you who may get confused, Brandon is actually my name. Cook is my last name for those still confused...

In the words of Evan, "without further ado...."

The following was written by Diddy...

Welcome to the blog of Brandon Cook. A week or so ago I came to Brandon about writing a guest blog, inspired after reading a guest blog on Club Trillion. Much to my surprise, Brandon agreed to let me post a guest spot on his blog. I am guessing that he is only letting me post so that he can count my writing as his post for the week, thus giving him the week off. He IM’ed me today, Thursday, in what I can only describe as a semi-panicked manner asking when my post would be ready, since I am guessing he was having trouble figuring out when he would have time to come up with a post if I bailed.

I decided it would be a good time to post with Valentine’s Day only two days away. My two ideas were 10 Reasons Why Brandon is Awesome and Girls Should Want to Date Him or 10 Characteristics a Girl Wanting to Date Brandon Should Have. Since I am not sure I can think of 10 Reasons Why Brandon is Awesome, I settled on writing 5 of each.

Although I could have come up with some reasons why Cook is awesome like that he buys overpriced university sweatshirts as gifts and he is the self-proclaimed Vincent Chase of his friend group, even though we all see him as Andy Bernard, I decided to be a little more serious. So without further ado…

5 Reasons Why Brandon is Awesome and Girls Should Want to Date Him

1. Two words – Karate Kid

2. Networking – Brandon is friends with 75 percent of the people in Indy, and has dated the other 25 percent. Do the math, Cook has dated roughly half of the women in the greater metro area, including all of the ones named Sarah. Of course, this all means that he is friends with everyone in Marion County since he has this uncanny ability to remain friends with his ex’s.

3. Guitar Hero band – Cook is the lead member of a Guitar Hero band. I know it sounds dorky, but you have to see him walking around with the miniature guitar, it is even dorkier. Seriously though, we all love Guitar Hero and we all look like tools with the guitar strapped around us. What makes Brandon great in a band is that he knows all of the words to every Toto song ever recorded…legendary.

4. Self-made Handy-man – Brandon was my inspiration for doing home improvement projects myself, rather than paying someone else to do it. My projects never seem to get done quite as quickly though, perhaps because I don’t have an in-house crew to help me with the work. If you ever have the pleasure of being in Brandon’s house, take note of the quality workmanship of the walls in the dining room foosball room, then ask Matt how much fun we had stripping off the old wallpaper.

5. House in Broad Ripple – Brandon’s house in Broad Ripple is a definite plus…as long as you don’t open your car up to a hit and run by parking in front of his house, you take steps to avoid having large rocks hurled onto the hood of your car, you watch out for armed robbers running through the front yard to toss their gun in the bushes, you don’t kidnap a young girl and hold her in the basement, you avoid the random violence at Broad Ripple High School, you don’t run or ride your bike on the Monon…wait, why is the house in Broad Ripple a plus…oh yeah, it is within walking distance of the bars.

I think we can all agree that those are Brandon’s most awesome qualities. I once asked Brandon how he ascertained such awesomeness, or was it ascerned (told you I would work that non-word into the blog) such awesomeness, oh well, it makes no difference. He explained to me that he was once just an average man, until he learned all of the ingredients to the Casba shot, then the awesomeness just fell into place.

Since Brandon is so awesome, he cannot just date any girl. She must have certain qualities. Now stop, get your heads out of the gutter, these are not going to be physical characteristics (but i'm sure he'd be OK w/ this). On with the blog…

5 Characteristics a Girl Wanting to Date Brandon Should Have

Must be Independent – The last thing Brandon needs is a clingy woman strapped to his side all the time. That would be very un-Brandon. He has way too many things to do to worry about entertaining his girl all the time. Important things like online poker, watching Sports Guy’s podcast, keeping up with his Tivo’ed shows, practicing with the Guitar Hero band, and the list goes on and on.

Must like Sports – Brandon reminds me of myself when I was a child, in lots of ways, but particularly by all of his involvement in his sports activities. He is like a little kid trying to get to all of his sporting events, except replace the soccer mom, mini van, Gatorade, and orange slices with himself, the Maxima, beer/liquor, and Qdoba.

Cannot be the Jealous-type – Brandon has a lot of activities, and they aren’t always going to require/accept having his girl present. For example, all of the dates Brandon goes on. How would Matt feel if Brandon’s girl tagged along on one of their ice cream dates; and how would Dave feel if Brandon’s girl was playing third wheel on their cruise together? Not very good I am guessing.

Must not Oppose Gambling – Ok, so Brandon is involved in a handful of friendly wagers. One of which is our annual March Madness bet. Now I have won a lunch from Cook two years running, and I am not about to let some new girl of Cook’s screw up this good thing I have going. Plus, Brandon was 6-5 on his NFL Playoff betting…fantastic.

Must have Sense of Humor – First off, she is dating Cook. Second, Brandon has created a certain persona for himself. One of bachelorness, dating around, etc. Any girl who ends up with Brandon for any period of time will no doubt be subjected to surprised comments, strange looks, and double takes (to make sure it really is the same Brandon Cook). She will have to understand the Brandon we all know and tolerate, and she will have to be able to get through attending firm events with Brandon.

If you are, or know of, the woman possessing these five characteristics, and you don’t yet know Brandon, please contact this blog following busy season. Brandon is far too important to our firm for a new girl to screw up his focus on taxes at this time of year.

Now, in the spirit of including a video, here it is D*** in a Box.

I’m out,

Diddy